Tinderella Diaries

I have a love-hate relationship with Tinder. I’m that type of person that would rant about how superficial this form of dating is, how disrespectful some of the guys are,and how much of a time waster it is. Saying all of that, I have been swiping since 2014. I have deleted it because of disgust and re-downloaded it because of boredom. I thought I met the love of my life, deleted it, and very soon found myself swiping my way through the guys of Vienna, again.

Considering the amount of time I have used Tinder, the amount of dates I’ve had are considerably low. Some would say I am too picky but mostly I was just too lazy to make the effort.  Giving up a cozy evening on the couch, with my dog and a good Netflix series, would need a very good reason…and Wolfgang, who’s hobbies includes food and drinking, doesn’t quite make the cut. (Unless Wolfgang brings his cute friend who is featured on his profile picture). 

Thankfully, I haven’t had any Tinder horror stories – but I’ve definitely had my share of “WTFs”. Taking some of my observations and experiences into account, I have put together some guidelines for Tinder users (mostly men,sorry). 

1.Profile Pictures.

First impressions count. It’s not about being superficial or judgmental, it’s just the way we are as human beings. When was the last time you bought a book with an unattractive cover (or when was the last time you bought a book!?). It doesn’t take much effort to take a half decent photo; preferably fully clothed and sober. I have seen it all when it comes to Tinder pictures and I think I speak for everyone when I say that posing with a toothbrush in your mouth doesn’t show off your best side (only that your mouth hygiene is a priority, thankfully). I would also suggest, not to include your ‘mug shot’ in your selection of pictures. The ‘bad-boy’ look doesn’t necessarily mean ex-convict.

Gym selfies are also a popular visual on Tinder. There is a saying: “If you’ve got it, flaunt it”. But, if you haven’t, don’t. It’s hard to say no to a nice set of Abs but perhaps it’s best to avoid taking a half naked gym selfie on the first day of your gym membership.

2. The Bio

It’s nice to know a bit about the person behind the Tinder Profile, but I feel like the bio should have a word count limit. We just need enough information to be intrigued; your allergies, emotional traumas and sexual fetishes can wait until we’ve at least overcome the awkward first date interview.

Hobbies are a great thing to add to a bio and can be a good way to immediately find common ground with someone. However – spoiler alert- “food and drink” does exactly define the definition of a ‘hobby’.   Also, it’s great to be confident but writing: “Hi, I’m super attractive, hilariously funny, sensuously sexy and the kindest person walking this earth”…may seem like you’d rather be dating yourself.

3. Opening Lines

In Tinder’s earlier days, users (including me) were definitely more eager to initiate a conversation and start the ‘interview process’. However, the longer you use Tinder, the more exhausting it becomes to keep up with all the conversations and constantly starting the small talk over and over again.  However, soon the creative Tinder members, started getting innovative when it came to starting a conversation. A polite and modest ‘hey’, quickly became a Tinder ‘no-go’. ( with this exception of Ryan Reynolds...he could just write “hi” for all I’d care)

From my personal experience, I have received a library-worth of opening messages; from ‘hi *emoji*’ to ‘what’s your favorite sex position?’. The most annoying messages are the ones which clearly took a few days to formulate and then just copied and pasted to every match. If you’re planning on using Tinder like you would with job searching… at least spell my name right! 

I would love to be able to give you all some advice about what  to write but I don’t want to take any responsibility for you getting ‘unmatched’. I simply took advice from ‘Friends’ ‘ love-guru, Joey Tribianni : ‘Hey, how you doing’…which may well be the reason for my mysterious decrease in matches.

4. Tinder Trends

I have done my fair share of swiping and have noticed several ‘trends’ pop up throughout the years. The gym selfie is more of a virus (epidemic) than a trend, but profile pictures with various animals is definitely a timeless trend. Dogs and cats would be the obvious choice, but some guys have gone above and beyond to prove their love for animals. I’ve seen guys with chickens, cows, hamsters, parrots and my favorite of all: Alpacas. I don’t know if it’s a universal trend, but swiping around in Austria, you might assume that Alpacas are a typical ‘house-pet’ or just a novelty creature. 

I am not making this up. I have swiped past several profiles featuring an Alpaca, in quite a short period of time. I am very much pro Alpaca-trend and in regard to the guys next to Alpacas, I did in-fact, give them longer screen time. 

Unfortunately I haven’t gained much experience on the ‘other side’ i.e. swiping through female profiles, but I am confident that there are just as many questionable and concerning behaviors.  I would be very happy to hear the stories; the good, the bad and the ‘fugly’.

And to all of you who have found your true love on Tinder… please get in touch and explain to me how you hacked the algorithm!

Wishing you all a happy ever after. Xx

“I’d rather have a love at

first sight, than lust at first swipe.”

Suzan with a Z

4 thoughts on “Tinderella Diaries

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